another year

it was my birthday recently and while my attitude towards birthdays is similar to that of weddings i.e. anti-spectacle, i couldn't help but reflect on the year past. in a happy place and not wanting / needing anything material. in fact, the last material thing i really really wanted my parents were kind enough to gift me as a graduation present. ironically, i gave tuition to pay for my lawsch tuition and having paid for it in full (not such a hero, i lived at home the whole time sans exchange in stockholm) then got 1/3 'back' in said present. thank you, parents! and the other thing i kinda thought would be nice but never really articulated as a want (hey, i was going to wait till graduation round 2 before broaching the subject!) the mister pre-emptively gave me for our first wedding anniversary. which was a total game changer and i've since declared myself completely never ever wanting anything anymore. big words first uttered after i first graduated, and it's been a couple of years and i genuinely haven't strayed. in fact, a friend read me just right upon seeing the mister's present and observed with mock horror, "oh you poor girl. all of 20+ years and nothing left to aspire towards. what're you going to do???" so gifting aside, i thought about the intangibles that i wanted for this year.

thrilled to be in better physical shape than when i was 12. was at my parents' and unearthed a pair of cargo trousers that were my post-PSLE present to myself. the whole time i was primary six, i was longing for cargoes, which tells you every thing you need to know about my sartorial sense then (and now). shimmied into them out of curiosity and was pleasantly surprised to find that they fit. uh, hello body, weren't you supposed to have gone through puberty a couple of years ago??! while i'm loathe to look at numbers on a scale (SO UNHEALTHY!) and mental health has taught me much about eating disorders and the twisted mind, clothes that fit, or not, are a good gauge. like last week i re-purposed my wedding dress for an early birthday dinner with the mister amidst taunts of how i looked like a runaway bride (thanks...) and was ecstatic / horrified to find it loose.

have long felt the whole weight / body image issue was about health. as long as you're within a healthy BMI, great. and i've always been. given how often i finish the mister's food for him, i do think i could afford to eat less, but i've tons of guilt re: wasting food (and yet i say i don't have an over-eating disorder...). despite not having been to a gym in months (bad jo!) i do feel lighter and brighter now than before starting clinicals. yay for long days on my feet!

so quarter-life crisis averted and relishing being a student, even more so after speaking with friends who're about to become registrars / junior partners / parents. finally in a happy equilibrium and more comfortable in my own skin than i've ever been. have plenty of time as a student, and someone to enjoy my down time with. i know things might not always be like this, but for now i'm taking it slow and soaking it all in. it was a great birthday, spent largely on a plane and with the mister who makes everything even better.